07/05

''Accept..Embrace what you have so sincerely been longing for'' I tell myself.Flashing through my mind is thoughts of this past fortnight.Winter in New York,snow on my window sills,snow on her nose...The warmth between her hands and mine.Street lights and paperback poetry.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


I was certain the drugs would have done it..10 days,10 consecutive nights.Not even the starvation could aid or complete the process.

I can feel my sharp ribs almost digging through my pale skin..Trying to escape my fragile and thin frame,my shell of a body.Trying to escape much the same as I.
My mind has completely unraveled..Yet for reasons beyond my control I'm still not ended.

A cocktail of drugs,a cocktail of glass,a knife self driven through my left breast please just let me be,let it end.

I've been suffering terrible pains in both my elbows of late, they both constantly feel as if they're bruised and beaten, I knocked the left one on my door stile last week and the thing is swollen black and blue. I've talked myself into believing I have Leukemia or Osteoporosis or some equally as horrific bone disease. I refuse to see a doctor, no good can come of it.
Either I'll find I'm terminally ill and I must quit smoking, or I'm a hypochondriac, and I need to quit smoking.

She haunts my thoughts and roams the empty halls asif she were ghost.She rains her kisses apon me whilst I dream.Dreaming of her kisses being rained down apon me,let your kisses rain in storms. Her book's gather dust and her beloved piano lays as silent as a tomb. Her jewelry box she kept so tightly shut but in my finger's lay the key.
Her perfume and rings,her penits and pins...letters and notes I myself have wrote

'Inside my left breast pocket lay a portrayed of you,each nightfall I find myself pressing my lips against it and prey of home..preying for you''

A thousand kisses greeted me as the ships came in,we buried and immersed ourselves in one another.Spending days on end exploring every unexplored part of her,I inhale and press my face into a White pillow and feel your Knee's,your Hip's,your Hand's,your Neck. You're besides me.

I watched,as you sank asif made of Stone.
I've lost all feeling of the sense of home,this house..Is neither a house of rest and nor is it my home.
Gin and Opium fail to ease the everyday thought of you,every hour,every minute,every second I'm consumed by you, absent is now my faith and will forever be until I am no longer absent from you.

The bath I rest,
pulled under cool water by the current of emptiness,
drowning in hollow.
Sinking w/ You.

Alive yet dead,dead yet alive.

I can no longer exist in this mind and body.
I ridded myself of the outside detraction's, cleansed myself of Dollar signs and bus tickets and constructed 4 walls built from literature, Music, Film and Art ,immersing my being into this 4 things; 4 walls built from what I believed to be bear essentials for the human soul.

I find myself lost and incapable to imagine the scenes and scenery portrayed in books, bored and deaf to music, film's only play as background music and the arts my eyelids have been sown shut to. A blanket of ennui has been cast over me, a feeling of boredom no matter what the situation.

Let me get what I want.

Highschool boy's are all fucked up,
Drinking from the bottle,
drink to the last drop,
driving their cars,
wind in their hair,
Kissing the boy who's cross I bear.

Stop me God,
stop me here,
I sit and admire,
I sit and I stare,
heavy breathing don't disappear,
''Take me some place so far from here''
soft lips,
and Brown hair,
touching his hips God I wouldn't dare.

46 Step's from the conerstore to home.

The only good thing that comes forth from walks is the realization of how much you truly take for granted sitting in front of a warm fireplace with a book. Tree's are strong and tall,and wonderful things to look at and observe but bring very little stimulation and offer equally as little conversation. I think its beautiful how if you cut a tree in half its center will reveal how old it is,if you cut me open how many summers and winters will it say I've had to endure? 18,29,103? too many.

I've accepted I am nothing.

I know 20 years after death I will be forgotten, there will be no remaining photographs of me,no one to discuss my bad habits, I will be erased from everyone's address books,I will be released from all my overdue debts. It will be as if i never existed.

I'm okay with this,


But how am i now supposed to find meaning in my existence today with the information i now have?

I'm now faced with the prospect of finding purpose in a world were everything....Is nothing.

Crush

1.A usually temporary infatuation.
2.A decisive or critical moment or situation.



3.The act of crushing; extreme pressure.The state of being crushed.

The Doctor says I'm a picture of health.

My body is yet to feel the ill effects of an eroding soul and decaying mind.

Our bodies only serve one purpose.

To protect and hold the things inside them.

I've voluntary lost my voice.

I hate myself for the things that crawl out of my Buccal cavity.

The only time I ever feel comfortable in this skin is when I'm alone. Not having to go over and analyze why it is I've said the things that I have said. The only solution I see for me to gather inner stability is to become a mute.

.....Also by choosing this path I avoid all confrontation with those who'd I'd really rather not share a conversation with.

Paranoia

I once enjoyed drinking a cup of coffee....
Now I think my cup of coffee is trying to drink me.

It's in everything I do.

Top 10 records of 2008.

10.


09.


08.



07.


06.


05.


04.


03.


02.


01.

The Future

I'd like to crawl into a small crack in the world and not leave for the rest of my human existence,only living off European literature.


Its not so much the future scares me,its just i want no part in it.

11 things,a beginning.14/03/2008

Lets get acquainted with one another.

Eleven things i enjoy.




.Coffee and cigarettes

.sudoku

.The French revolution

.Letters

.Books

.Winter

.Music

.film

.Bed.White Sheets Black quilt cover


08/08/08

I can no longer find 11 thing's I enjoy.